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"Surviving Peace"Written By: Ashkara Disclaimer: I sadly enough do not own them. Sigh. Rating: PG Warnings: Angst, friendship Pairings: None Summary: A Wufei and Duo friendship fic - two
pilots with survivors guilt find peace in one another. "Surviving Peace "
Blinking sleep from his eyes, Wufei moved to the window and quietly stared down at the world outside. Snow blanketed the world and set an eerie calm over it, as though all sound and movement was being sucked into the tiny white particles as they swished gently downwards to settle on the frozen ground with less sound than a sigh. Was this what peace was? Wufei tucked a few strands of hair behind his ear and pressed his nose to the window’s cold surface. His breath was fogging the glass and making the scene outside look all the more ghostly- barrenly beautiful. He shuddered- such peace was impossible for one such as he to accept. What right did he have to exist in such a world, after all that he had done and seen? And even worse, how could he possibly accept what he had done- he had killed Treize Kushrenada. It had been a week ago now, but he could still see and hear it all clearly in his head. The rage he felt pounding as they exchanged blows, the anguish and heart-rending shock as he won the duel and Treize’s suit exploded violently, shockwaves bashing the Chinese pilot against his front viewscreen even as he screamed in anguish. The OZ leader hadn’t deserved to die- he deserved to live and see this world that Wufei was now staring at. Sleep was definitely out of the question now- Wufei pulled on some warmer clothes as he headed for the door to his room and soundlessly glided out into the deserted hallway. Descending the stairs, he was suddenly aware that he wasn’t alone. He didn’t know where or who, but there was someone else awake that night, another person who was probably staring at the drifting snow, much as he was. He began to prowl through the many rooms of Quatre’s latest safehouse. As alert as he was, he still almost missed the silent figure at the picture window, nestled back into the curtains with his knees pulled in to his chest and a blanket pulled to his chin. Wufei almost turned and left as he made out the face of the figure- Duo Maxwell had his chin propped on one knee as he stared out with the same wide-eyed look that the Chinese pilot had seen so many times before. He almost left, but stopped quite suddenly. This Duo- this was not the face of the laughing idiot they all knew so well. Wufei had never seen his fellow pilot looking quite this calm. Even when they had been locked in that cell on the moon, with the air slowly running out, Duo had been defiantly optimistic and cheerful, facing death with the same mask he always wore. That mask was gone now. He approached silently, as always, knowing that the other pilot already knew he was there. All the same, he stopped several feet back. “Maxwell?” Duo’s face slowly turned from the window and the corners of his lips quirked upwards in a small smile of welcome. “Hi, Fei. Couldn’t sleep?” Wufei approached calmly and sat at the other side of the window seat. “No- I think I heard something. You’ve been up long?” Duo’s face turned back to the window and the gentle snowfall. “Never went to sleep, really. Insomnia, I guess.” They watched the snow in companionable silence for a few moments before the braided boy’s face once again turned towards his comrade. “Wufei, can I ask you something?” Wufei shrugged. “I suppose so.” Duo met and caught the other boy’s glance. “Do you… d’you think the nightmares will ever stop?” Wufei was caught by the other boy’s tone- was this really the same cocksure pilot who called himself Shinigami and laughed as he fought? “Is that why you’re not sleeping, Duo?” Duo caught his breath in surprise. “You… you just used my first name.” Wufei quirked an eyebrow. “Yes, I did. Why?” A quick smile as Duo averted his eyes. “You just seldom do, that’s all. But yeah- I don’t want to dream… I don’t want to have to think about it, but it’s there and it won’t go away.” Wufei nodded and was silent for a moment before he gestured to the window. “You see that? Everything we did, everything that happened to us, it was so that more people will be able to see and appreciate things like this.” Duo nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving the soft snowfall. “I know, but… I can’t… Every time I hear a car in the street, or tree branches against the house, or whatever, I snap back to awareness, as though OZ is here still. And it’s happening every night- I can see their faces as they die, I hear them screaming, and then I hear my own laughter, like some sort of animal.” Wufei grimaced. “Did you think it was funny? Did all the death amuse you?” That brought Duo’s head around with a tight snap. “No! Of course not! God- did you think I was that callous…” Wufei raised one hand in a gesture for silence. “No- I know you’re not. But I don’t think you do. If it wasn’t funny, then why did you laugh?” Duo stared at his friend with large, searching eyes. “I laughed… I… because I had to.” “Why did you have to?” Wufei prompted gently, feeling a strange sense of calm coming over him. Duo finally broke their eye contact to look back out at the snow. “It was better than screaming, better than crying. I am not… Only weak people cry, and I’m not weak!” They lapsed back into silence, and Wufei pondered over the other boy’s words as he stared out the window blindly. It was truly strange, how alike the five of them really were, though they came from such diverse backgrounds. It didn’t surprise the Chinese pilot to find that the American’s mask had been much the same as his own. What did surprise him was that Duo was letting it slip so easily. He had admired the boy’s spirit many times in the past, the way he didn’t allow the negative feelings to get to him, and that was probably why seeing it now was so disturbing. Of all of them, Wufei had figured Duo to be the most likely to bypass this experience. Duo broke the silence again. “Quatre says it’s called survivor guilt. All I know is that the more I see of it every night… the more I wish I hadn’t survived that battle.” Hearing those words from the normally ebullient American rocked Wufei to his core, yet he couldn’t manage to speak in return. Duo continued, “I don’t belong here- this peace thing scares me. And I don’t see why so many innocent people had to die when a murderer like me survived.” Wufei reached out and forcibly turned his friend from the window to stare into his face. “Please don’t say that! I understand what you mean, Duo, but you are not a murderer and you do belong.” Duo’s eyes were searching his face intently. “I’ve outlived them all, Wufei. Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, Professor G, all those soldiers, civilians… What do I have that they don’t? What make me so special? I’m just me.” Wufei considered this as he absently began rubbing the American boy’s stiff shoulders. He wasn’t sure there really was an answer to that question. In fact, he was pretty sure that it was the same thing he had been mulling over in his own case- it just was rather shocking to find that he wasn’t alone in these thoughts. He had thought… In his mind, the others had deserved to survive as they had. They had been the noble, strong beings that had made victory and peace possible, while he… He had screwed up, over and over. He had watched his colony and clan incinerate. He had killed Treize. He failed to stop Heero before the Wing pilot killed the doves, all those long months before. So why did it seem that he lived a charmed life? Why did it have to hurt to be the last one left standing? “I suppose,” he began, after a long pause, “I think our nightmares and our fear… they’re the penance we have to pay for what we’ve done. But in the end, Duo… Why should any of us not deserve to live in peace?” “I held Solo while he died of fever and coughing with the L2 plague- I found Sister’s mangled body in that church,” Duo whispered, his slight form beginning to tremble slightly. “Why didn’t they deserve to live, if I did? How am I better than them?” Wufei shook his head, his anxiety rising as he felt the tremors running through the other pilot’s body. “I never said that you were better than them- that’s not a judgement I can make. I am no better than any other member of my clan, yet they all died, when L5 blew up,” he stopped short as he felt his own breath hitching in his throat. Duo waited respectfully for him to continue when he got a hold of himself. “You and I, we’re well equipped to understand how unfair life is, I guess. You can’t judge yourself against them, Duo. You have to judge… according to what you’ve done, after learning what you could from them. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” Duo wrapped his arms around his knees and clasped his hands together tightly. He licked dry lips nervously, and the gesture was so childish and out-of-place on this boy that Wufei smiled. The braided boy’s voice shook slightly as he began to speak again. “I can’t be them- I can only be me. And I’ve tried… I wanted to do the right thing, but I’ve made such a mess of it! And I laughed while I did it…” Wufei shook the slight American as hard as he dared. “And what did I do? I ranted, I went looking for more soldiers to kill, and then I mocked them when I was done, calling what I did justice! It’s the same thing, Duo. We did what we had to do to survive!” A tear finally escaped the American’s eyes and left a salty trail down his left cheek. He wiped at it irritably. “It was so… ugly. I was ugly, repulsive… I was evil, and I have to live with that. I took lives, I ruined others, and I’ve survived to feel just how terrible that responsibility is. Dammit, I never wanted this! I didn’t want to kill- I just wanted to protect…” Wufei watched in horror as Duo finally broke down completely and turned his face into the curtain in shame, twisted, painful sobs tearing from his throat as his hands came up to hide his face and balled in the rich cloth of the curtain. It wasn’t until he had reached out and pulled that shaking, sobbing form against him, stroking the long braid gently, that he realised that there were tears on his face, too. Duo calmed slowly, and when he was finally able to breathe deeply again, Wufei gently pressed him back from against his chest and looked down into red-rimmed violet eyes. “It’s a horrible price to pay, Duo. We all became protectors, and we did it. We won. But now… Tell me something. Would you do it again? If something went terribly wrong and there was a chance it could all happen again, would you get back in your Gundam and fight again?” Duo wiped his face on his sleeve and stared, wide-eyed, at his friend. “Of course! I could never allow it to go back to the way it was…” Wufei gave the American a true smile, after wiping his own eyes. “That’s the answer, Duo. For both of us. If you, knowing what this feels like and knowing that it would torment you even more, would be willing to do it again to protect those you care for, then this peace is yours! You’ve earned it and you’ll continue to earn it every time you snap awake at a sound in the night, or wake up screaming after a nightmare. Because you did it for a reason. Because you took what you were given and made it count for something.” Duo was speechless, but he smiled, and Wufei knew he would never forget that smile for the rest of his life. He could never forget it- it was the most incredible, genuine thing in the world. It was, in a nutshell, everything he had ever fought for. He felt Duo’s arms pulling him into a hug and he didn’t resist, closing his eyes and squeezing the smaller frame of the American tightly as something warm and comfortable tugged at his mind. They eventually pulled apart, and both boys wiped at the stray tears and smudges on their faces, laughing a little as they realised what they were doing and how ridiculous it was. Wufei raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep- how does cocoa sound to you?” Duo shot him a look. “Have I ever passed up on chocolate?” They silently made their way to the kitchen and heated some milk, hoping that the small amount of noise they were making wouldn’t wake their sleeping comrades. Not that they didn’t want the others around, but what they had just done… It was their moment, and both would have been reluctant to share it. They padded back to the window seat, and Wufei gladly took up the offer of the other end of the blanket Duo had had wrapped around himself as he sat there, to hold the chill off. As he stared back out the window, he felt a sense of calm coming over him, and he shared a smile with a friend. It was comforting to know that the world seemed a bit less barren now, and it was easier to appreciate the beauty in it. It was nice to know that he wasn’t alone in his fears and doubts. Maybe this was what peace was.
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