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"Lost "Written By: Artemis Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters are
copyright to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated parties.
I make no money with this fic. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: implied yaoi, angst, violence, language Pairings: 6x2, mention of 4+3 Summary: Sequel to Interfacing: Found. Quatre
has some shocking information for Duo about his new lover; there's
trouble in Cairo... "Lost" 14) The younger man was dumbfounded. "How can you be so understanding?" Duo asked, shaking his head. "Shouldn't you be yelling at me? Lecturing me about false accusations? Hating me for what I did to you?" His eyes were wide, worried, confused. "I don't deserve your kindness... your understanding, Zechs. I don't deserve it," he said and began to cry, turning his face away. The self-hatred in the young man's voice tore at Zechs's heart, and he found himself sitting directly beside Duo, though still careful not to touch. "Duo, Duo," he began, though as soon as he spoke, he realized his emotion was now all too evident in his voice, his pain rising to the surface. "I can't hate you... because I... I love you. What I hate... is this sad twist of fate that has torn us apart. P...Please... don't cry, Duo. Don't let Fate win over us." When Duo turned back, sniffling and wiping at the tears, he saw that Zechs was practically in his lap. "I love you, too, Zechs," he said, calming himself. [He's so close...] he thought with a tingle. "I don't want that madness to take away what we shared. I want my Wolf back. I want those days in Cairo back," he said, his voice quaking with emotion. He was desperate now, desperate to regain what they had lost. He reached his hand out. "Do you know how beautiful you are to me?" he asked, and very tentatively touched a strand of platinum hair framing Zechs's face. Zechs turned to him fully, the ice-blue eyes near to tears and gazing deep into the cobalt blue ones so close to him. [He touched me!] he thought with amazement. "I want it all back, too," he murmured, then drew his white brows together in a frown. "How can you find me beautiful? I was a highly-placed officer of OZ, Duo." Zechs edged his fingers toward a wayward strand of chestnut hair trailing over Duo's arm, but did not reach, did not touch. Could... not... Slowly the hand was withdrawn and placed back in the safety of Duo's lap. The fantasy over. Obviously they couldn't go back to what they had in Cairo. The events of the last two days had changed them forever. "Yes, you were an OZ colonel," Duo said, looking down at his hands. "I saw photographs of you in your red uniform and mask," he said a little sadly. [He looked so military. So elite. So fierce.] Finally, he looked up again, with large, searching blue eyes. "Who was that man, Zechs? Was he anything like the man I came to know?" The loss of the gentle touch to his hair nearly pulled a whimper out of the older man, he was that attuned to the presence of his once-lover. "That man," he began, his voice going lower, "That is whom they call the Lightning Count. My reflexes and my title earned me that, I suppose. I would say he's a fair man who looks out for his men. But he uses the mask and his aristocracy to present the image of a mysterious and exceptional fighter. The mask..." He sighed deeply, folding his hands atop his knee. "I've worn it over three years since I first was wary that the Alliance might discover my true identity. I've been resigned to it... and it had even began to become comfortable and provide me with a feeling of security." Suddenly he turned sharply, hands on his knees, both feet on the ground again, the platinum hair flowing like a wing as he snorted in self-derision. "I had no need of it after taking my revenge for my family, yet I continued to wear it! I was afraid to lose that feeling of safety, Duo. Until... until I met you." He turned his head to look at the young pilot at his side. "OZ had become a safe hiding place for me. Duo, your love gave me the strength and courage to leave. I hadn't fully made the decision until after meeting you. I'd been... afraid. Afraid of changing my life though deep down I knew it was past time." "I gave you that strength?" Duo asked, amazed that he could've had any impact on that man in the photographs - the Lightning Count. [He looked so formidable. Was he afraid to leave OZ because they would have killed him?] Duo shuddered with the terror of Zechs's situation. "I suppose the Lightning Count is your warrior self, much like the God of Death is mine," Duo said, trying to piece it all together. "I don't want those personas to come between us," he added firmly. And in that vein he began to consider if he ever could be attracted to that OZ officer. [If I put my mind to it, I think I could grow to like the uniform,] he mused silently. Then he turned bright eyes to Zechs, eyes tired of this tension between them. Eyes ready to see and be seen as once before. "The 'Lightning Count,' huh? Well, I can certainly testify to his quick reflexes," he said with a grin and a wink. Zechs gasped, but there was no recrimination in the young man's expression whatsoever. It was his saucy Dancer he was looking at, "You, ah... liked that about me?" he inquired, feeling again the sense of being pulled out of his tight, neat, little world into something larger and far more alive than that experienced by the cool, aristocratic Lightning Count. "Mmm, yes," Duo answered, feeling a bit warm. That warmness or perhaps the simple fact that he was here, sitting under the stars with Zechs, made Duo a bit bold. And so, he scooted himself a few inches closer on the bench and reached out, laying his hand over Zechs's on the man's knee. The contact sent a thrill through him, but he knew all too well that things were still shaky between them. "Zechs, is this okay?" The touch to the back of his hand sent an electric charge through Zechs's entire body. He inhaled sharply but turned his hand over slowly. Together, he and Duo entwined their fingers. Zechs let his breath out slowly, staring at their joined hands. "I never thought I would ever touch you again," he murmured, tingling. "Duo... I want to work toward regaining what we had... if you want that, too." He was almost afraid to breathe, and certainly afraid of caressing the strong, slender fingers held in his. As the touch of hand was accepted and returned, Duo felt hope and renewal. "Yes, Zechs, I want to be close to you again," he sighed and squeezed the hand in his. They sat for a moment like that, not talking, just enjoying the physical connection. It was simple and yet profound to be quietly sitting, holding hands after everything that had happened. How many things had conspired against them in the last two days? How many times had Duo tried to kill the only man he had ever truly loved? He ached then at how close they'd come to never sharing this moment. To losing each other forever. "I'm so sorry, Zechs," he said, a bit overwhelmed. Duo leaned forward then, needing more closeness, but hoping he wasn't pushing things too far... too soon, and rested his cheek gently on the other man's upper arm. "I will do everything I can to get us back together." [He... he really does want to be close to me again?] Zechs thought, stiffening up at the additional closeness. Then he forced himself to relax, not wanting to communicate any sort of rejection to Duo. "Duo, I..." he began, then gulped, his throat tightening again. "Duo... I know, I forgive you... but it's hard for me right now. Let me say this - I really don't know that I can initiate anything... not for a while. It's not that I don't want you close... God, I do... but I don't think I can handle any intimacy right now. But, oh, Duo, if... if you really want to touch me, you can." He swallowed with difficulty, feeling like he was sliding off into chaos, though he held tightly onto Duo's hand like the lifeline it had become. "Thank you for allowing this," Duo sighed deeply. [And for forgiving me, though I don't know how you can.] He focused on the feel of the man's hand in his, and the scent of the man's hair so close to his face. What a strange difference to have hand holding and a touch of cheek to arm as the main course, when they had feasted so ravenously on each other's bodies for three days. They were beginning over again, but this time there would be no rush to intimacy as there once had been, only small, stolen moments that would have to satisfy. "Can we stay like this... a little while longer?" A thousand reasons to leave the bench passed through his mind, most having to do with readying the Tallgeese for flight and organizing the base at Antarctica, but the warmth of Duo's cheek and the grip of his hand sent every one of those reasons running. "Of course... I would like that, too." Zechs glanced up at the stars. [Before too long we'll be going to space together,] he thought, then dismissed that, concentrating on the here and now. "Soon I must leave to get Tallgeese ready." "Yeah, we'll be moving out in a couple of hours," Duo said, thinking how he only needed to throw his clothes in a couple of duffel bags and he was ready to go. His Gundam was back in Arabia and most likely being prepared for transport by the Maguanacs. [Antarctica... I wonder what that will hold for us.] "About what you said earlier... the intimacy," he said, lifting his head to look at Zechs's face, and reluctantly losing contact. The handsome profile made him yearn for a kiss, but he loved Zechs too much to push the man too fast. "I think I understand why you don't want that right now. I mean, a lot has happened. And I wouldn't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable." [I don't think I could handle going all the way with him right now, either.] "Thank you," Zechs murmured, relieved that he hadn't communicated any sort of rejection again. "Duo," he began, looking over, "I hope you can believe that I never touched you with anything but consideration for your feelings and needs. I could never..." He stopped, hoping Duo understood. "Zechs, please..." Duo said, a little choked at the man's pain. [Damn, that rape accusation is haunting him.] "I don't think *that* now. I remember how gentle you were with me. Your touch was everything I wanted it to be." He placed his free hand on the man's arm and caressed it slowly. [That's why he doesn't want to initiate anything. God, I've hurt him so badly.] With a deep, shaky breath Duo continued, "I know I've made a mess of things, but please believe me when I say I'm sorry and it was a terrible mistake. I'll do anything you want to put things right again." With a deep, quick inhale, Zechs laid his hand over Duo's to stop the movement, though he did not move the hand away. "Thank you, I needed to hear that." He took a deep breath. "Give me time, Duo," Zechs murmured, looking deep into the widened, cobalt blue eyes. "Time to heal, time to adjust to the full reality that is Duo Maxwell, time to adjust to my own transition away from that organization for which you rightly bear so much hate. I do believe you are sorry, and I do forgive you... but mostly I believe it was a dirty hand of fate that was dealt us, something we cannot change. But with all my heart, Duo, I want to see things right again as well. It just will take... time." Duo gave a small nod, practically frozen by the fact that his ministrations had been stopped. [It was too much, I suppose.] "You need time... right," he said, unable to hide the sadness he felt. Right now all he could imagine was a great mountain before them. [Are there mountains in Antarctica?] he wondered. He knew they would need to climb a mountain of emotions before they could truly be together again. [I never thought we'd be talking, let alone holding hands. I shouldn't be disappointed by this.] But he was. He was dreadfully disappointed, despite Zechs's hopeful, if not cautious words. "I shouldn't be surprised... Things have happened quickly for us all along. Maybe it's time to slow down," he said, nearly frowning, and squeezed Zechs's hand tighter. "You're right. But though it's happened all very quickly..." Zechs paused, closing his eyes as he held tightly to Duo's hand. "I'm sure about one thing, Duo Maxwell." "What... what is it, Zechs?" Duo asked, almost afraid to know the answer. Zechs opened his eyes slowly to look into Duo's waiting gaze. "I'm sure that I am still deeply in love with you even if I'm still learning who you are. That was real. That hasn't changed. Just because we did not have a lot of time together doesn't mean I didn't really fall in love. Please... never forget that." [But I had already forgotten, Zechs... You said you'd love me always, and I let my anger block out that memory.] He visibly shook from the horror of that thought. The horror of not being able to see Zechs's love, because of his deep hatred for OZ. [No wonder he doesn't feel he knows me. I think I barely know myself.] Duo had to focus then, resolve himself not to break down. And finally, truthfully said, "I'll remember..." [...this time.] "And I want you to know that even though I'm young and inexperienced in relationships, I fell in love with you completely. I want you back in my life..." He wanted to add that the OZ colonel was welcome, too, but he wasn't quite ready to accept that part of Zechs. It would come in time just as Zechs's understanding of the soldier Duo would come in time. Slowly a small smile formed on Zechs's lips. "Then that's settled. Good. Soon... but first we must return to our battles." Sighing heavily, he squeezed Duo's hand a last, fervent time, then released it, standing up. "I must hasten to ready Tallgeese now. Duo, safe travel... I look forward to seeing you again at Barclay Base in Antarctica." Looking up with wide blue eyes, Duo gave a little grin... as a promise. "Yes, safe travel and we'll begin again in Antarctica." [Someday,] Zechs told himself sternly as he nodded, then turned to go, [I will feel free to touch him again... to love him.] Internally he felt like shit, knowing all too well that he was still suffering from emotional trauma, and helpless to affect it. He did need time. Taking a deep breath, he walked away from the other half of his heart in order to keep a date for destiny with his massive machine of war. The End of "Lost"
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