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"Lost "Written By: Artemis Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters are
copyright to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated parties.
I make no money with this fic. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: implied yaoi, angst, violence, language Pairings: 6x2, mention of 4+3 Summary: Sequel to Interfacing: Found. Quatre
has some shocking information for Duo about his new lover; there's
trouble in Cairo... "Lost" 13) The evening was cool and clear... perfect for star gazing and melancholy thoughts. So, he found a long, stone bench to sit, and lazily tilted his head back to watch the stars. At first he tried to guess which twinkling light was his home... the L2 colony, but soon his thoughts returned to Zechs. [Nowhere is home... without him,] he sighed. Somewhere close to 2 am, Zechs woke suddenly, breathing a little hard. But if he'd been dreaming *that* nightmare again, he couldn't remember. He blinked a little in the darkness, orienting himself, then noted the spill of moonlight coming in through the window. [I'm in Quatre's house... we're leaving for Antarctica soon. Duo...] Rising, he took several deep breaths, noting with relief that he'd slept long and hard enough and felt considerably better. With his usual efficiency, he cleaned up quickly and dressed in linen pants and a long-sleeve brown pullover sweater. [No once else in the house ought to be up,] he considered, brushing out his hair. [I could use a walk so badly... any kind of activity. Especially if I have to sit in a carrier seven hours flying to Antarctica...] Zechs wondered where Duo's room was as he walked through the quiet halls. [He looks like an angel when he sleeps,] he mused, picturing his little ex-lover asleep with skin glowing white like cream, the chestnut hair, unbound, flowing like water all over his back and... [No, I'll never have that again,] he told himself angrily. [Lovely fantasies aren't for soldiers like me. When he sees me fight... when he sees my Tallgeese take to the air and hack apart dozens of Aries like bugs, what will he think of me, then? Dancer, I would have kept you from that as long as humanly possible...] Stepping out the front door, he inhaled the cool desert night air, taking in a couple deep draughts. Stretching, he walked to the side of the house, then noticed a path leading away, lined with palm trees. [Perfect.] Starting down the path, he noticed that there was someone else there, shadowed by the trees. [Someone else either can't sleep or has had enough...] As Zechs neared, the figure resolved itself more clearly, and with a shock he realized it was Duo. Moreover, the slim youth had his hair undone. Zechs felt his mouth going dry - he'd just been imagining that silken mass of chestnut! Duo was dressed simply, white tee, jeans, and a black jacket for the night air... but he was barefoot, an oddity that was very Duo and gave Zechs a hard twinge of love for his Dancer... if he indeed was still in there somewhere. Duo was sitting on a stone bench, his head tilted up as he studied the stars. [I have to talk to him,] Zechs thought, his heart pounding all of a sudden. [And it has to be now. I have to explain.] "Duo?" he called softly and tentatively. A sound on the path startled Duo out of his contemplation. He turned to see what had made the noise... certain that no one would be about at this hour. To his surprise Zechs was standing there... almost ethereal as the radiant moonlight shimmered off his platinum hair. Duo gave a little gasp as his heart leapt at the sight, and then was immediately on his feet and moving down the path in the opposite direction. [I know he doesn't want me around...] [No, he's running away from me again!] "Duo, wait! Please!" Zechs called, his heart sinking about to the level of his feet. He walked quickly closer, hoping the boy would turn back. Hearing the velvet voice pleading to him made Duo come to a quick stop. [He said 'wait,'] he thought with hopeful glee. He stood for a moment with his back to the man, taking short, panting breaths, his heart hammering in his chest. [I should try to talk to him again... tell him how sorry I am.] Finally, he turned back to see Zechs standing by the bench. The man had closed the distance between them... had moved forward to reach him! With a swallow and a little nod Duo walked back to the bench and stood before the tall blond. Looking up into the intense gaze he asked, "You couldn't sleep either, huh?" A ghost of a smile came to Zechs's lips though he was anything but calm. "I slept a good ten hours, actually. But I hadn't slept at all in the previous twenty-eight." He studied the young man's deep blue eyes, almost midnight under the moon. "I need to talk to you, Duo... if you would please sit down with me here." He gestured toward the bench, still holding the other's gaze. "Um, okay," Duo agreed and tentatively moved to sit on the bench... at the far end. [God, what does he have to say to me? Maybe he wants to make it perfectly clear that we're through and for me to keep my distance?] The younger man sat with his feet on the ground, his hands in his lap, and his back straight as a board as if he was being judged on proper posture. He was immediately uncomfortable, of course, since he usually just plopped himself down... slouched with legs everywhere. But he just couldn't relax now... not knowing if the axe was about to fall. Zechs seated himself on the opposite end, legs straddling the bench, choosing a more relaxed posture than he might have ordinarily, wanting to put the boy at ease. "Thank you," he murmured, and noted acutely how stiff Duo seemed. [He doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to be around me... I can make this quick. I want him to suffer no more discomfort at my expense...] "Duo, I feel I owe you an apology - I'm sorry I froze up on you in the hangar. I can explain... if you give me a chance." "What?" Duo asked, turning his face to the man. "You want to apologize to me?" he asked, his hand touching his chest. [Is he crazy? Where's he been the last couple of days?] he wondered, shifting himself until one leg was resting up on the bench. [That's better,] Zechs mused, noting the change in posture. "I've... had a lot to adjust to in less than two days," he murmured, glancing down at the bench. "When you reached out to me... I got confused. I've met several versions of Duo Maxwell lately... and I wasn't sure I was seeing whom I thought I was seeing." He reached down and traced a circle on the bench with his finger. "You see, I thought I saw Dancer, the man I love. The man I thought... was gone forever because he thought I'd..." He couldn't say it. He couldn't say the word, the name of the heinous thing he'd been accused of. "Forgive me for freezing like that." The elegant hand, drawing circles, mesmerized Duo. [He's so beautiful. Does he know just how beautiful he is?] But the sadness of the man's words drew him back to the terrible reality of the last two days. "I don't understand why you're apologizing. You have nothing to feel sorry for. I wronged you," Duo said, bowing his head, unable to look at his victim any longer. "What I did to you... I can never hope to be forgiven for... I'm so sorry." "What *you* did to me?" Zechs asked, hoping but not hoping, not yet understanding just what Duo was getting at. "Oh, you mean... the gun." The star of his nightmare... that gun that he'd so innocently examined like a child not ten minutes before Duo had stuck it between his eyes and pulled the trigger. [Oh.] "Yes, the gun," Duo said quietly, still not looking up. [I hate to relive this, but I need to apologize for everything. It's the very least I can do.] "Please don't think I'm making excuses for my behavior, but that act was committed under the mask of war... the God of Death." That name... Zechs looked up abruptly. [Of course he did... anyone would have acted as he did. I myself wore a mask...] "In that case," he began quietly, studying the bowed head and the mass of hair spilled around the young man's shoulders like a mantle, "your behavior was understandable. As a Gundam pilot, you had every reason, I suppose, to believe that an officer of OZ surely intended you harm. You didn't know..." He took a deep breath. "The God of Death -that's how you are able to fight in battle, is that right?" [How can I tell him how frightening that was to me? Should I?] Duo looked up slowly as Zechs explained his understanding. [I have so underestimated him... Of course, he understands. He's a soldier.] "I'd never tell any of the other Gundam pilots this... it's my trade secret," he said, almost cracking a grin. "But the God of Death is only a facade. I like to think I'm a nice guy... but I had to find something to help me face my enemies," he cringed at the last words. For one terrible day Zechs had been his enemy. "I'm sorry you saw the God of Death... I never wanted you to see that, Zechs." Zechs sucked his breath in sharply. "And I never, ever wanted war to touch my Dancer!" he exclaimed. "Duo, I understand your God of Death persona... I understand facades all too well, having lived under one myself. But what I have not been able to understand is how the God of Death can reside in the same body as... as my Dancer..." His voice almost broke, but he pressed on, his eyes intent on the other's. "It's why I thought my Dancer... was the facade. I don't know if this ever occurred to you, Duo, but I have had enough reason to believe that it was me who was set up... by you Gundam pilots." "You thought we set *you* up?" Duo asked, in obvious amazement. He hadn't considered this point-of-view before. But it only took a few seconds for him to realize what that must mean to Zechs... and his face went ashen. "Then you... you thought I... used..." he couldn't quite finish. "Oh, no!" "It's okay," Zechs said hastily to reassure him. "Meeting your friend Quatre was a revelation... and eased that fear. But I had placed myself in as much risk as you had, Duo. And I'm afraid that when I did face the God of Death... I had become convinced that you could never get beyond what I had been... that I had been OZ. I still... don't know that, not really." His voice had gone hushed at this last. "It has been a stumbling block," Duo admitted. "Unfortunately I focused all my anger for OZ on you. All I saw was an OZ commander. I shut off the part of me that saw Wolf," he said, sadly, his hand reaching down and resting on the bench between them. He wanted to reach closer, to touch Zechs, but it wasn't right... not yet. "I'm sorry," he said, holding Zechs's gaze. "I'm still not used to the idea of you having been with OZ. But I don't see you as my enemy anymore." "I'm glad to hear that you don't consider me your enemy," Zechs replied, greatly relieved. "And your Wolf... is still right here, Duo. He's never left, never... never stopped loving... his Dancer." Emotion threatened to overwhelm him, and he bit his lip, seeking a bit of physical pain to offset the emotional one. "I must know, Duo... is Dancer real? Is he there - somewhere - waiting for his Wolf?" "Yes, Wolf," Duo responded, bringing his hand to his mouth to muffle the sob that followed. [He still loves me,] he realized with a surge of warmth through his body. He turned to sit cross-legged on the bench and to face Zechs completely. The depth of emotions on the other man's face brought tears to his eyes. "I'm Dancer, Zechs. This is the real me," he said with pleading eyes and pointing to himself for emphasis. "Your Dancer is right here aching... waiting for his Wolf whom he loves with all his heart." "Dancer... I've prayed you were still there..." Zechs gulped back a sob, the back of his hand against his mouth. "The thought that you might exist still was just about all that kept me going when my heart might have died completely. It was all that didn't allow me to escape or try to retaliate." He reached his hand out automatically, but lowered it to rest, open, on his thigh, unwilling to do more without clear invitation. "I didn't answer your other question in the hangar. I think I need to do that now," Zechs murmured quietly. The younger man looked at Zechs's open hand with a flutter of excitement. [He reached for me... I know it!] he thought and rubbed his hands on his own thighs, itching to touch that hand. [But I don't deserve him. Not yet.] "Your Dancer was lost," Duo admitted softly, as he looked at the sad eyes staring back at him. "He was lost to anger and shame... and for that I'm very sorry." He leaned forward then, one hand slipping from his leg and resting on the bench in front of him again. Closing the space between them just a bit. "I have so many things I want to say to you, Zechs. So many apologies to make," he said, blinking large, watery blue eyes at his love. "But I also just want to sit here and listen. To indulge in the sound of your voice." "Mmmm... well, I'm not going anywhere," Zechs murmured with a small smile. "I will say that I deeply regret my involvement with OZ. I wish I'd never been part of that organization because of the direction in which it's now heading in space and here on Earth. My..." He paused, shifting position. If in shifting he happened to scoot closer to Duo, he did not notice. [I don't have any right to call him 'my'...] "Dancer should never have had to deal with the betrayal... and shame... that you've felt." [The question...] "Please, Zechs," Duo said, his hand moving forward another inch or so on the cold, stone bench. "I don't blame you for anything. Not that I'm comfortable with your past with OZ, but my shame was my own doing." He leaned back again, taking his hand away. [I'm acting like a child reaching my hand out, hoping he'll make the decision for me, and take it in his,] he scolded himself. "I remember you telling me how you wanted to leave your job... how you were unhappy. But what exactly made you want to stop fighting us Gundam pilots? Heero in particular, since you had fought him before. Was he that fierce in battle?" he asked with a little chuckle and then added, "Or was it just because you were unhappy with OZ?" Zechs sighed, feeling an ache within his whole being for this - yes, he could say it again - treasure of a young man. "Neither, actually, though Heero in battle was pretty awesome. As I'm sure you are as well... and I don't do so bad myself..." He took a deep breath. "And fighting Heero never had anything to do with being a part of OZ. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. He represented a challenge to me personally and I thought to avenge my men who died in battle against him." He turned sideways on the bench, which actually brought him even closer, and he leaned over, staring out over the path. "No, Duo, I choose not to fight Heero anymore because a bright spirit named Dancer taught me to concentrate on creating a world of peace rather than on petty personal vendettas. A world of peace that I'd hoped to create so that my Dancer might never know war. That's impossible now, of course." "I don't understand," Duo said, shaking his head. "I can't possibly have inspired that kind of change in you." Despite the responsibility he had taken on as a Gundam pilot, he was still a boy in so many ways. How could a fifteen-year-old have possibly affected a career military man in this way? [I've only known Zechs a few days,] he tried to rationalize, and then had to break eye contact with the man. Sitting here, talking like this, made him a bit nervous. Zechs was saying some pretty intense things and yet Duo didn't know what it all meant... if it had anything to do with them being a couple again. He supposed it didn't, and rubbed his feet to keep them warm... wiggling his toes a little at the small pleasure. "Don't sell yourself short, Duo Maxwell. You have done more for me than I can even measure yet," Zechs murmured, then turned toward him again, crossing one leg atop one knee, his hands linked. He noted the boy rubbing his feet. "If you're cold, we can go inside," he murmured. "I'm okay. You'd think after living in the desert for a month I'd know how to dress for these cool nights," Duo said with a little shrug as if he didn't quite know why he did anything. "Earth is so different from living in outer space," he said with a little grin. "My feet never got cold there." [But then I knew how to dress for comfort on the colonies.] As he spoke in relaxed tones to his former lover, Duo felt himself warming. Warming from Zechs's nearness. Warming from sitting under a starry sky with this beautiful man and hearing him say that Duo had done more for him than could be measured. And for a few seconds, Duo imagined that nothing had changed between them. It was a sweet few seconds, but reality wasn't far. They needed to talk... and seriously. The younger man tucked his barefeet under his legs and then turned his eyes to the solemn blond. "I do have more to say, Zechs. Things that won't be easy for either of us to talk about." "I'm very glad we're talking. I guess I have more to say as well." [Like 'I forgive you'... I can't imagine trying to hold anything against him when I love him this much,] Zechs considered soberly. With a deep breath Duo knew it was time to face the worst of his crimes. "I accused you of something that at the time I think I believed, but now I can see how horribly I wronged you." He held Zechs's gaze so that his sincerity would be seen, but also so that he would know if this conversation was too painful for the other man. [Steady, Maxwell,] he told himself, a little frightened by the stillness of the man before him. Duo clenched his fists to quiet his trembling nerves. "I know you know what I accused you of, but I think it's important for me to admit it to you in person. Take responsibility," he said, and nodded, his conviction in this path evident. "I don't want to hurt you again by saying this... but I let Quatre believe that you had... raped me." And with those words a shudder tore through him. [He's agonizing over this... my precious Dancer who only reacted that way because of the horrible irony of our meeting and falling in love. Why wouldn't he assume that? Except...] Zechs studied the trembling young man before him, aching to simply pull him into his arms, but he knew that would not be easy for him. He was afraid, so afraid of being misinterpreted again, of ever being thought of as touching Duo in any manner that wasn't loving and caring.
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